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Morris takes his wife Pearl to Dr Schwartz for her annual medical. After examining her, Dr Schawrz has a quiet word with Morris.

"Morris", says the doctor, "I don't think your wife is looking too good."

"I don’t think she looks good either," replies Morris, "but she keeps a clean house and is a decent cook... so for that I'm grateful."

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A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?"

The boy said, "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge.

Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"

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Izzy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, "Sadie, I have one last request."

"Of course, Izzy, what is it?" Sadie asked softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Louis."

"But I thought you hated Louis," Sadie said.

With his final breath, Izzy said, "I do."

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A group of Israeli tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One Israeli turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, "Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?"

"Why do you ask?" the man replied.

The Israeli shrugged. "Just idol curiosity, I guess."

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It's Shabbos and Mendel is in synagogue listening to the rabbi's sermon. As the rabbi drones on, Mendel begins to doze off and starts to snore. Suddenly he's awoken by a tap on the shoulder by the shammas.

"Please Mendel", says the shammas, "you're disturbing everyone with your snoring."

"I'm sorry", says Mendel indignantly, "but I pay my shul fees. If I want to sleep, I'll sleep."

"I'm not disputing that" says the shammas, "but your snoring is keeping everybody else awake."

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Max is having a cup of tea in his best friend Morris's house. Morris was commenting on the time and the fact that his wife had not yet returned home from her shopping. "Beckie's two hours late, Max."

"She's probably been kidnapped or she's been involved in a terrible car crash," replies Max, "or maybe she’s still shopping."

"Oy Vay!" says Morris, "I hope she's not shopping!"

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A tourist in Vienna is going through a grave yard and, all of a sudden, he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert,the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker. "Beethoven's just decomposing!"

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What do Mack the Knife, Attila the Hun and Jabba the Hutt have in common?

The same middle name.

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"How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?"

(now go back and read the above sentence word for word and realize that you...)

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Lawyer: "Mrs. Schwartz, I have succeeded in coming to a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."

Mrs. Schwartz: "What the hell is wrong with you? I could have done that myself!"

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