The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

"Who cares?" she replied.

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

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An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

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A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice, "two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So vat did you do with the money?"

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There has been a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died and his funeral was held this week.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.

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Three elderly gentlemen, each with hearing loss, were playing golf. After while the first man says, "It's windy today."

The second man replies, "No, I think it's Thursday."

The third man says, "I am too. Let's go have a beer."

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It's good to keep the language alive.

Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,

A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.

Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,

My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.

So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,

Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.

And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches,

But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas

Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better

(Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter)

But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,

No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:

They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,

Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlemazel.

These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,

So much better than "a pill" is to call someone 'farbissener'.

Or - that a brazen woman would be better called Choleria,

And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.

I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,

But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?

Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,

To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.

A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,

But you are speaking narishkeit.....

And A gezunt auf dein kup!"

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