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Jewish jokes and humour
With Special Thanks to Eliezer Shernofski...
The Ultimate Father
An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next
to a
younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of
shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the
man,
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on
backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear
this collar because I am a Father."
The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir I am also a
Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your
collar
so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the Father for
many."
The Jewish man quickly answered, "I am the Father of many, too. I
have four sons, four daughters and more grandchildren than I can
count. Still, I wear my collar just like everybody else. Why do
you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then
blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father to hundreds of people."
The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As
he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest
and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
YOU ARE REALLY GETTING OLD WHEN YOU ARE:
One who can remember when folks sat down at the table and counted
their blessings instead of their calories.
A person who remembers when people wearing blue jeans worked.
One who can remember back to when a telephone was a convenience.
A geezer who can remember when "setting the world on fire" was
only a figure of speech.
A guy who distinctly remembers the 5-cent cigar but forgets the
10-hour, 6-day workweek.
One who still remembers when the red menace was made of flannel,
had a flap in the back and was donned in the winter.
A guy who realizes his kids' history lessons are what he read in
the newspapers.
The person who can remember that, when you bought $5 worth of
groceries, the clerk reminded you to hold the bag by the bottom.
A father who remembers when a juvenile delinquent was a youngster
returning from the woodshed.
A man who is old enough not to care what anyone says about him --
and no one does.
Is a senior citizen who can remember when you could get the
landlord to fix anything by threatening to move.
A duffer who recalls that the only improper things you learned in
school were fractions.
A man who can remember the time when it was easy to distinguish
between a bathing beach and a nudist camp.
A man who can remember when you could light a cigarette at either
end.
One who can remember when there was hot criticism of the
extravangance of a government when it gave away free seeds.
A person who can remember when charity was a virtue and not an
industry.
A person who can recollect when a new baby was considered an
addition instead of a deduction.
A man who can remember when his only parking problem was getting
the girl to say ok.
A man who can remember when a lady looked the same after washing
her face.
A guy who can remember when the sky was the limit.
A person who remembers when buttons were sewn, not pushed.
Quickies
Before a recent championship boxing match, the outclassed
challenger was being interviewed. "Just think," boasted the
boxer, "millions of people will see me fight tonight."
"That's right," said the sportscaster, "and they'll know the
result about ten seconds before you do!"
The judge fined a motorist $25 for speeding, and gave him
a receipt. "What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?"
snapped the driver sarcastically. "No, save it," replied the judge.
"When you get three you get a bicycle."
Old folks are worth a fortune.....
With silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their
kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomaches.
I have become a lot more social with the passing of the years;
some might even call me a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five
gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake Will Power helps me
get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charley Horse comes
along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the
day. (He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes
me from joint to joint) After such a busy day, I'm really tired and
glad to go to bed -- with Ben Gay.
What a life.......
P.S. the preacher came to call the other day. He said that at
my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do,
all of the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself
"Now what am I here after?"
This is a corny Israeli joke
Their once was two thieves who entered a store from two different directions
Echad Me-SHAM
V'Echad Me-PO
What did they Steal?
(Shampoo)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Get it SHAM + PO = Shampoo
The Essential Jewish Holiday Primer
A NINE WORD SUMMARY OF ALL JEWISH HOLIDAYS
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat!
----Karen Wolfe
Peace On Board!!
An Israeli was flying on a short flight from Washington D.C. to
New York. He boarded the airplane and found a cozy seat in a row
that had three seats. One seat was near the window, one seat was
adjacent to the aisle, and the third seat, which was the one he
chose was in the middle. He sat down, slipped off his shoes and
relaxed. Shortly an Arab came down the aisle and asked the Israeli
if he would mind if he sat next to the window.
"Please, no problem, help yourself!" the Israeli said
in a warm and friendly tone.
The Israeli excused himself and walked off in his stocking feet
and soon reappeared with a cola.
Where did you get that?" the Arab inquired. "I thought
that there is no service on these short flights."
"Got it just down the aisle. Would you like me to get you
one, too?"
"Yes, thank you," was the Arab's reply.
When the Israeli returned with the second cola, another Arab approached
them, "Pardon me, do you mind if I sit in this aisle seat?"
"Not at all, please feel comfortable." Was the cheery
warm and friendly Israeli reply.
The Arab on the aisle saw them both drinking colas and asked,
"Where did you get the colas, I thought that on these short
flights, there are no refreshments."
The Israeli replied, "Would you like me to get you one?"
"Sure!" the delighted Arab answered.
So the Israeli got up and scampered down the aisle in his stocking
feet to get a cola for the second Arab. The two Arabs looked at
each other. They looked at the Israeli's shoes left lying on the
floor. They each took one shoe, brought a enormous glob of spit
into their mouths and spit into the Israeli's shoes. Then they
put the shoes back down where they found them and waited for the
Israeli to return.
Soon the Israeli returned with the cola for the second Arab. As
he sat down in his seat, he heard the Captain request that all
passengers sit down and fasten their seat belts and prepare to
land. The Israeli complied, strapping himself in, he put his feet
inside of his shoes and !!!! He realized what had been done to
him!!! He cried out in agony:
"Gentlemen! How long do we have to do things to annoy one
another! When can we begin to act like civilized people and treat
each other with respect!! Can't we stop antagonizing each other.
When will we stop spitting in shoes and urinating
in colas!!!!
~~~~~~~
from theJune 1998Edition of the Jewish Magazine
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