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The Two-Minute Haggadah

....researched by Rubin

A Passover service for the impatient.

Opening prayers rapidly :

Thank God for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Dip the egg ( remove shell first )

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:

1. What's up with the matzah?

2. What's the deal with horseradish?

3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?

4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.

2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.

3. It's called symbolism.

4. Hungry people get to slouch.

Now tell a funny story:

Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:

Wise child - explain Passover.

Simple child - explain Passover slowly.

Silent child - explain Passover loudly.

Religious child - have the child explain it to you.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzah. Whoever finds it gets $4.25.

The story of Passover:

It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzah. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice - you can name all the bad stuff before you have dinner...lessens the appetite.

The singing of "Dayenu":

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough, oh, Dayenu! Dayenu, Dayenu...

If he'd parted the Red Sea - (Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat more matzah. Take a few more sips of way too sweet red wine. Slouch.

Again thank God for everything....and do it all again tomorrow night.

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