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A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Oh my God, has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

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Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Santa-shmanta (n.) The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out contains pork.

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