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Humor for Yom Kippur
with thanks to George Relles
In anticipation of Yom Kippur, first we have
a few thoughts on sinning and atonement:
“A sense of humor keen enough to show a man
his own absurdities will keep him from the
commission of all sins, or nearly all, save
those worth committing.”
- Samuel Butler
* * * * *
“Most people repent their sins by thanking
God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.”
- Josh Billings
* * * * *
“Sin is sweet in the beginning, but bitter in
the end.”
- The Talmud
* * * * *
Sign on a synagogue just before Yom Kippur:
“Your sins are not so many that you should
stay out…
Or so few that you shouldn't come in.”
* * * * *
“It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now
and then, just so long as you don't break
any.”
- Mae West
* * * * *
“Should we all confess our sins to one
another we would all laugh at one another for
our lack of originality.”
- Kahlil Gibran
* * * * *
“Few sinners are saved after the first twenty
minutes of a sermon.”
- Mark Twain
* * * * *
Said one man to the other after the Rabbi’s
Yom Kippur sermon on the congregation’s
myriad of sins: “Well, at least I haven't
made any graven images.”
* * * * *
A Rabbi prayed to God in turmoil over the
sinful state of his city, "Lord, most of the
people in the city have no interest in
following you. And the rest of us are having
a hard time holding on!"
God heard the prayer and sent down an angel
to investigate the claim. Later the angel
reported back that, indeed, things were much
worse that the Rabbi indicated. 99% of the
city was more sinful than Sodom and Gomorrah,
and the remaining faithful 1% were
struggling.
God considered what to do for those who were
staying true to the faith. Finally God
decided to send a letter of encouragement to
the faithful few.
And do you know what the letter said?
Well, DID you know what the letter said?
Surely, you MUST know what the letter said…
C’mon, share what the letter said, already…
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to read my
copy?
* * * * *
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission:
to check whether there is Oxygen on the
planet "Give me the box of matches" says one.
"Either it burns and there is Oxygen, or
nothing happens."
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a
match when out of the blue, a Martian appears
waving all his arms yelling "No, no, don't!"
and grabbing the match away.
The two guys look at each other, worried.
Could there be an unknown explosive gas on
Mars? But he takes another match...and now, a
crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all
waving their arms yelling "No, no, don't do
that!"
The astronaut says to his buddy, "It looks
serious. What are they afraid of? He turns to
the Martian and says We mean you no harm but
we're here for Science, to know if man can
breathe on Mars". Before the Martian can
react, he strikes the match, which flames up,
burns down, and...nothing happens. "Why did
you try to prevent us from striking a match?"
The leader of the Martians says, "Today is
Yom Kippur!"
* * * * *
Subject: Sukkah
An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue,
built a Sukkah on his balcony. Some of his
'high society' non-Jewish neighbors brought
him to court. They claimed that the Sukkah
on his balcony was an eyesore and was having
a negative impact on the value of their homes
in this posh neighborhood.
In court, the man was very worried about the
outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day
holiday, leaving him no time to make
alternative arrangements in case the judge
ordered him to take down the Sukkah. He
prayed for help.
And God listened.
Judge Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a
reputation of being a very wise man. After
hearing both sides, he turned around to the
observant Jew and scolded him:
"Don't you realize that you live on Park
Avenue, and not in Brooklyn? There is a
certain decorum which is expected on Park
Avenue. You have no right to be putting up an
ugly hut on this lovely street without a
building permit authorizing it. I hereby
rule that either you remove the hut, or I
will fine you one thousand dollars.
You have exactly eight days to do so! Next
Case!"
* * * * *
Top Rejected Jewish Books from Jewish Authors
Portnoy Is No Longer Complaining: Philip Roth
writes this sequel about his hero, Alexander
Portnoy in which he has nothing to complain
about. In fact, for a whole 312 pages,
Portnoy reassures us that in fact he "is fine
and pretty well adjusted."
War and a Piece of Cheesecake: Herman Wouk's
attempt to write about the Goldstein family
and their fight over the last piece of
cheesecake in the fridge left from Shavuoth.
Mein Camp: Mel Brooks writes a "campy"
version of Mein Kampf in which he desperately
looks for the jokes that were unused in the
Producers.
The Red Tent: a story of one woman's plight
to stand up to her mother about the colors
for her wedding canopy.
Chicken Schmaltz for the Soul: A collection
of vignettes about gaining weight around the
Jewish holidays
~~~~~~~
from the Sept.-Oct. High Holiday 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine
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