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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

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As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects.

She pointed to the dining room and said with obvious satisfaction, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."

"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."

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A student kept bugging his friend, "What time is it?"

Finally, his friend complained, "Why don't you get a watch like the rest of us."

"Why do I need a watch? There is always someone around to ask."

"But what can you do in the middle of the night, when you are alone and need to know what time it is?

"That's easy - I blow my shofar." (A Shofar is a Ram’s horn, which is blown on Rosh Hashana and at the end of Yom Kippur – and sounds like a wailing voice)

"You what?"

"I blow my shofar. Whenever I wake up and need to know what time it is, I open the window and blow my shofar very loudly. And literally within a few seconds, I hear someone yell ' Are you crazy? It's 2:45 in the morning!"

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Our rabbi announced that admission to one of our shul's social events would be seven dollars ($7) per person.

"However," he said, "if you're over 65, "the price will be only $6.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"

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NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat-Boy, Gas-man and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 15 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Three little boys were upset, because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So, they went to the nearest church to remedy the situation. Only the janitor was there, to whom they explained, "We need to be baptized, because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads into the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go ye forth and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on your head. We're not Babtis, because they dunk you under the water. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you.”

At this point, the littlest one said, "Did you smell that water?" Another one mused, "I sure did! What do you think that means?" to which the oldest one answered, "I think it means that we're Pisscopalians."

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Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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A man applied for a business permit to open up a cheese shop in Holland. "I don't know if that's such a good idea," the adviser issuing the permit commented. "Too many cheese shops in Holland."

"But mine will stand out," the man replied. "I'm going to call it "Cheeses of Amsterdam." The man got his permit and opened his shop. Unfortunately, the adviser was right - the competition was too great and his shop couldn't make a go of it. So he went back to the permit adviser for some advice.

"You know where you should open a shop," the adviser suggested, "Israel," he said. So the man opened up a cheese shop in Israel. It was a big hit.

The man called the adviser back. "You were right!" he said. "The cheese shop I opened here in Israel has been a tremendous success!"

"That's great!" the adviser replied. "What did you call it?"

The man answered, "I called it, 'Cheeses of Nazareth!'"

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I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages.

They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.

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“Cheer up;” the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, “there are plenty of other fish in the sea.”

“Maybe so,” replied his despondent friend, “but the last one took all my bait.”

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