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1. YOU can't count your hair

2. YOU can't wash your eyes with soap

3. YOU can't breathe when your tongue is out

  Put your tongue back in, not every thing you read on the internet is true.

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

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NOTE: To give equal time to Blond women, we are publishing here Blond MEN Jokes:

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up without bending.

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1) YOU are reading this

2) YOU are human.

3) YOU can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips

4) YOU just attempted to do it

6) YOU are laughing inwardly at yourself

7) YOU have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5

8) YOU just checked to see if there is a No.5

9) YOU laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does it too.

10) YOU probably did not realize that there are not ten items here.

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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

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An tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alchol may Mack you tink you kan type reel gode.

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you ugly cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. While this omission is pointed out to her by the man, the parrot drains its glass and squacks "And get me another whisky you low life!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your rear!"

The next moment two burly stewards grab both the man and the parrot and throw them both out of the emergency exit.

As they are plunging downwards the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a bit cheeky!"

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Moshe, a Jewish Texas cowboy was unable to find work in Texas in his trade, try as he might. Reluctantly,as his wife was within weeks of giving birth to their first child, he accepted a job in Montana rounding up the calves for branding.

Several weeks go by when Moshe received a telephone call in the bunkhouse one evening from his wife. After a time of conversing, he hung up the phone. Of course, being curious, his fellow cowboys were curious about the proceedings. Moshe told them that his wife had just delivered a bouncing baby boy the named Noam! He told them the wife was recovering fine and the baby was doing well. "Just HOW well"? was the refrain from his companions. Well, he is doing well, eating well and that he weighed 25 pounds!!!

"25 pounds?!!!!!" was the refrain. That is a big baby!!

"Yes", said Moshe, "We grow them bigger in Texas you know.

A week later, Moshe received another phone call from the wife. When the conversation ended, the other cowboys were naturally curious about Noam and how he was doing.

"Well", says Moshe, "the wife is doing fine and Noam as well."

They couldn't help themselves and had to ask about the size of the baby. "How much does he weigh now?" was the question on everyones mind.

"17 pounds!" proudly exclaimed Moshe.

"17 pounds??!!!!" was the retort. "What happened to the 25 pound boy?"

"The wife had a Bris for him! We grow them bigger in Texas I told you!"

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