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Money and Happiness: The Real Cost of Living

By Amy Hirshberg Lederman

Recently, my husband and I went to a Beatles Musical Review and had a wonderful time singing and dancing in the aisles with other middle aged, ex-hippies to tunes like Yellow Submarine, I Want to Hold your Hand and Michelle. In the car on the way home, we sang some of our favorites and one song, in particular, struck me as fairly profound. Over 40 years ago the Fab Four wrote about what psychologists and scientists have come to understand and what Judaism has taught since the beginning of time.

That Money Cant Buy You Love.

But it sure can do a lot of other things. Money is a powerful force influencing everything from global politics to how we think about ourselves and perceive others. The topic of money fills shelves at Barnes and Noble and is discussed on television and radio daily. But the money conversation - really talking about how we feel about money - is hard and often uncomfortable especially among family members and friends.

Yet get a group of women friends together and we can talk about the most intimate of things, from female medical problems to the private details of relationships. But when it comes to the size of our bank accounts or credit card debt, we avoid it like the plague. Why?

Are we ashamed, guilty, afraid to disclose what our parents told us is not to be discussed in public? Or, do we fear that if others know how much money we have or what we spend it on that they will judge us?

Money is both a means and an end to many things. Scientific research suggests that in a limited way, having money makes us happier because people with enough money to provide for their basic needs feel more secure and satisfied. When our basic needs are met, it frees us to be able to develop in different ways, to experience pleasure and leisure, to use our time in ways not just related to survival.

When I was growing up, money meant AUTHORITY. My Dad made the money so he also made the decisions. In our home the Golden Rule meant: He who has the gold, rules.

But one thing Dad didnt tell me is something I have learned over time. That money can be a good servant, but it is a terrible master.

Our American culture is deeply consumer-oriented and consequently, a large measure of our identity is derived from what we earn, own, wear, buy and drive. But when material worth is the primary tool by which we assess our own value, when we let money dominate how we feel about ourselves, we will rarely, if ever, be happy. Why?

Because, as humans, we compare ourselves to others and make assumptions and judgments (that they are happier, more successful, have more friends) based on what we think they have that we dont. And then we want it. Keeping up with the Goldbergs is a lose-lose proposition: it only serves to increase our dissatisfaction and decrease happiness.

So does another human tendency that psychologists call hedonic adaptation. This means that when we get something new, we may love it for a while but then get used to it. The new car or bedroom set becomes our new norm. Its just a matter of time until we want a bigger car or a larger home. Thats when the vicious cycle of not-enough and if only thinking takes over.

We all do it to some degree or another. We look at our living room and think: If only we had a nicer home, wed entertain more. Or we book our summer vacation to spend a week at the beach and think: If only we made more money, we could go for two weeks.

How can we change this type of toxic relationship to money to one that helps us grow and feel good about ourselves, regardless of how much or how little we have?

The issue of being unhappy with what we have and always wanting more has been around since the beginning of time. Adam and Eve are a great example: God tells them they can eat from any tree in the entire Garden of Eden but the Tree of Knowledge and bingo, Eve goes for the apple from that tree.

Over 2000 years ago, the rabbis dealt with this problem when they gave us this bit of wisdom: Who is rich? One who is happy with his lot.

What they didn't tell us was: How do we become happy with our lot?

For that answer I need a book, but in a nutshell its this: When we use our money for things that represent values that are important to us, we will feel good about ourselves and the money we have.

As Jews we are guided by the Torah which gives us the blueprint for Jewish living. One of the key values in the Torah is Tzedakah using our money and resources to help those in need.

You want to know an amazing fact? In a recent scientific study, readings from MRIs indicated that giving money to charity stimulates brain activity in the regions of the brain where we experience feelings of pleasure and reward.

Giving of ourselves, in time and money, enhances the bio-chemistry in our bodies and makes us happier!

The beauty of the concept of Tzedakah is in its absolute equality. No matter how much or how little we possess, each one of us has the potential to consciously become a better person, and a happier person, when we use the money we have for the betterment of the world.

Thats why our sages assure us: "To the one who is eager to give, God provides the means."

The Beatles may have been right when they sang Money cant buy you love! but it can buy happiness, when we chose to use the money we have to support the values and experiences that give our life meaning and purpose.