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Jewish Jokes and Funny Stories

By Chanoch Bleier

There was this Yid from Brooklyn who decided to go to Russia for a visit. Why not? Must be an interesting place. However when he tried to do some business in the black-market. He was quickly arrested by the police and imprisoned.

When he was brought before the judge, he was informed that doing business with the black market was a terrible crime to society, since the people suffer from the inability of the government to collect taxes and the punishment was well known, death.

Although the Yid protested that he was a foreigner, his protest fell on deaf ears. The judge refused to reduce the sentence.

"The government is trying to stamp out the black market. We have no mercy on people who come here and disregard our laws. However, since you are a foreigner, and we do want to encourage foreigners to come here as tourists and to do business, legally, of course. We want to show the world that the Russian legal system has mercy. Therefore we will allow you three wishes. Any thing that you desire, just ask and you shall be granted them. The only condition is that you can not request to commute your death sentence. After your three wishes have been granted, you will have to pay for your crime."

"O.K., if that is what I have left to do with my life, my first request is to go skiing in the Carpathian mountains."

"What?" the judge remarked, "skiing? This is the summer! There isn't any snow now!"

"Well," the Yid answered, folding his arms across his chest, "I'm prepared to wait. Because that's my first wish"

"Let it be so!" The judge banged his gavel on the desk and called the police. "When the snow falls on the Carpathian Mountains, you are to fetch this Yid and let him ski to his hearts content, from sunrise until sunset. Afterwards he is to be brought to me to complete his sentencing."

Six months later the police came to the man's house and took him up to the most beautiful ski resort high up on the Carpathian Mountains. The Yid skied all day and after night fall the police whisked him to the judge.

"All right, the state has granted your first wish. What is your second wish?"

"Well, I always wanted to swim in the Black Sea. That is my second request."

"What?! The Black Sea is frozen. It's winter now!"

"Well," the Yid answered, "I'm prepared to wait."

"O.K.," The judge said banging down his gavel, "the police will come to you on a beautiful summer's day and escort you to the ocean where you will swim to your hearts content from sun rise until sunset. Then you will be brought here to complete the sentencing."

On a beautiful summer's day, the police came to the man's house and took him to the nicest resort area on the Black Sea. The Yid swam and swam the entire day and then after sunfall, was ushered in front of the judge.

"The state has kept it's word. Now you may have your last wish, after which you will be executed! What is it?"

"Well," the Yid began, "nothing could please me more than to be buried in a cemetery along side of you."

"What?" the judge said, "but I'm not dead yet. How could we do that?"

"I don't know, but I'm prepared to wait"

You must have heard about the Jew from Gorgia (Russia) who came to Israel to live. Well every night or so he would get together with his Gruzzini friends and eat and drink into the night. Then one night when he and his friends were eating together, they started to open a bottle of wine to make a lechaim as is traditional at these nightly meals. "No, sorry." The man refused his friends' offer of a little wine, "I was at the doctor's office today and the doctor told me that I can't drink wine or spirits any more; it's bad for my health," he apologized.

"What do you mean?" they queried. "We always get together, eat and make lachaims. Are you really not going to drink with us?" they asked.

"Sorry, but what can I do? That's the doctor's orders!"

The next evening they all got together again and began to eat and drink. "Let's make a lechaim!" They started to pour themselves each a large glass of wine.

"NO, no! Sorry, I can't drink. Doctor's orders, bad for my health," the man explained again.

"What, again you are not going to drink with us?" his friends complained.

"What can I do? Doctor's orders," the man explained.

And again the scene was repeated the next night also. "What, are you serious?" his friends complained. "Are you going to spend the rest of your life with out drinking? You'll ruin your life!"

"What can I do? Doctor's orders," the man sadly explained.

The next night when they got together to eat and drink. They began to pour each other a lachaim. However this time the man stuck out his glass "here, fill up my glass with some of that wine!"

Astounded, his friends stared at him in amazement. "What happened? We thought that it was forbidden for you to drink wine? Doctor's orders and all?"

"Well," the man began to explain, "I went to the doctor and asked him if it was still bad for my health to drink and he said yes. So I took out fifty dollars and slipped it to him under the table. So he changed his mind and said it would be OK to drink!"

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