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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome...So,how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late...So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel--it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?"

A Marine colonel, on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the beltway and he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?

"So far about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

One day, the younger of the two older ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

[This one should pretty much offend everyone that's offensible.]

I don't care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing!

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

If G-d is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.

I'm convinced G-d put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to

aim at. ---Terry Pratchett, 'Small Gods'

I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!

And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.

Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.

I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.

Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!

That was Zen. this is Tao.

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

G-d is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe. -- Malaclypse the Younger

Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

Go thou and sin more creatively next time.

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God

pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

"I don't question YOUR existence." - God

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I bought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

While stationed in Washington, D.C., a man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer.

To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police.

An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"

Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet."

The MP held back a smile and waved him on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate it the same X-Mozilla-Status: 0009

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. (My personal favorite)

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