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The Lighter Side of the Dark Side by Barry Silverberg *with Dear Auntie Fadda, -- Advice to the War-torn Love-Lorn It's only been five months since the whole country watched us Northerners shiver in our shelters. Now, we're in an island of tranquillity and the whole country is shivering. I'm watching TV, which is contra-indicated for people who like smiling. They show Palestinian 'police' shooting at Israeli houses. * All of a sudden, this sleek IDF helicopter streaks across the sky, and neatly fires a missile (batteries not included!) . . . into . . .an empty room! Boom, Boom, no Room! Once again, Israel proves her incomparable superiority over her enemies. The Hisbollah, for example, high on charisma but low in technology, have been deploying a weapon that destroys an entire dwelling, leaving only one room in which the family can continue with dinner. But as always, we're a generation ahead. We have these new missiles that can pinpoint and demolish a single room, allowing business as usual in the whole house! We even fire warning shots so that the attacking Palestinians can leap to safety! The problem is, who's paying for all this hardware? At this very moment, the Ministry of Construction of the Palestinian Authority is tendering contracts so that, if hostilities continue, both sides can benefit economically. Why fire a missile worth $65,000 each (VAT not included), when the Palestinians are willing to smash the room up for only 2000 Shekels. Even better: Let the guys who jump out of the building grab up a set of tools, jump right back in, and get to work! -- (hard-hats not included) -- thus saving the taxi fare. However, rumor has it that the IDF is about to introduce a new 'Postman' missile that goes straight for the doorbell and warns them personally; if there aren't any gunmen home it leaves a message. And there are hints that Military Development may soon come out with still a third missile. This one has a red kerchief on its head, carries a bucket and takes care of the mess left by the first one. Talk about your "mopping up operations!". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - * And who paid for these guns? We did. Who gave them the ammo? We did. Is this a case of Cast Your Bread Upon the Waters, or what?
------------------------------------- Peaceful Kiriat Shmona, Come visit. -----------*-------------------------
Dear Auntie Fadda, I'm so upset I don't know what to do. A few years ago, I met this incredible guy on a skiing trip in Oslo. Real cute . So he's not Jewish. So he has a record of violence. And some of my friends, they're like, "Stay away from him. You're looking for trouble" And I'm like "You're so wrong. He's reformed. " I met him again at Summer Camp David, soon there's pictures of us all over the place holding hands, and we're, you know, a lot of commitment and everything. For a while, it was wonderful. Now, all of a sudden, the relationship is on the rocks. He gets so violent over nothing. There's no more give and take; I give, and he takes! Worst of all, everywhere he goes, he's kissing these strange men. I can't understand what happened. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back. /Little Red Riding E-hud Dear Red, In every relationship, the time comes to change partners. Face it, kid: Yas-sir, he's not your baby, now. Why don't you ask your friend Bill to bring some Sioux Tribesmen from Arkansas to the talks? I hear they smoke a mean peace pipe. A F -------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Auntie Fadda, Why is it that we are so few and our enemies are so numerous? (signed) Name Held Up by a Roadblock, Dear Chelmsman, Your letter comes as a great relief because we thought there isn't anybody at the Chelm in this country anymore. As for your demographics question: You must be descended from the Fireman of Chelm who kept his vegetables in the firetruck and promised to take them out and replace the water the day before the fire. In the recent flare up, used the same faulty logic: you took all the murders out of the room and then blew it up. Why not try this: Get the murderers together in the room - if it's a problem, just toss in a Barak effigy doll ('Barbie Barak,' Mattel inc. $14.99, Assault and battery not included). Then you say: I don't want anyone to leave the room, and then fire the missile. This will do wonders for the demographic seesaw.* Amaze your friends! / A. F. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ Dear Auntie Fadda, I am incensed by people who blame Arik Sharon for the rioting and bloodshed of the last weeks. What, Arik Sharon isn't allowed to visit the Temple Mount? What, Arafat has a little black book of Jews who aren't allowed to visit our holiest site? If Sharon is blacklisted, what about Limor Livnat?, Eh? What about Gandi? Furiouser and Furiouser, Dear Give, The secret clauses in the recent Sharm Agreement demand that from now on, Limor Livnat will not be allowed to walk down King George St. without a leash. As for Gandi, if he wants to go to the bathroom, Rajoob goes with him. Your Auntie Fadda Dear Auntie Fadda, Don't you admire that Nasrallah? His calm demeanour, his integrity. Other dictators rant and rave, pillage and shed innocent blood. He's above all that. /Fatima Tova Marge-ay-rine, Dear Tova, How can you say he's above that? He's-belloh that. To the writer of this column: Your last joke has gone too far and we will blow you up in five minutes. / hassan "the Man" Nasrallah ---------------------------- Dear Auntie Fadda, Please forward this to all those nice boys in the Israeli Army: Dear Soldiers, You are cordially invited to a Tupperware party at the Northern Border, Itbach L.Yehud Gate (formerly the Good Fence). Please come in small groups and don't tell your CO. Ms B'allah** The Sisterhood of the Islamic Brotherhood. ------------------------------------------------- Dear Aunti Fadda, I thought I was a Post Zionist, but Post -Zionism has failed me! What do I do now? Do you have a message to uplift our spirit in these times of confusion? Yossi Beil-out, Hey Joe, Don't forget it's Succot. We're supposed to vacate our homes anyway. What with your Secular Revolution going on, we needed a bit of a push! Remember, The Tora tells us that for Succot, you take a 'PRE, ' i.e. not a 'POST.' As for an uplifting mantra, how about: Make Lulav, not War. Or would you prefer: Ramla Shall not Fall Again !! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------- Peaceful Kiriat Shmona, Come visit. Barry Z Silverberg |
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