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CyberYenta

By Rachel Levine

Dear CyberYenta,

A friend recently offered to sell me her 3 year old computer for a reasonable price. She guaranteed me that it worked perfectly. I asked that she put it in writing and she became irate. She said I should trust her because she's a friend. What do you think?

A Friend

Dear Friend,

This whole business with putting things in writing goes way back. Much further back even than your bubbe or my bubbe. The first human in history to say "Put it in writing," was Moses. And who was he talking to? God. You think it was enough for Moses that he climbed a mountain and God spoke to him and told him what to do? No. God had to put it in writing or Moses would have walked away from the whole deal. Because he knew no one would believe him if came down from the mountain all excited and said: "A guy who has no name and who you can't even see told me to tell you that…" So what do you think? God realized Moses had a point and not only did he write it all down, he etched it in stone also. And that's why we have the Ten Commandments.

So tell your friend that even though God had to etch it in stone, because she's a friend, from her you'll accept paper.

*****

Dear CyberYenta,

The last technological innovation that I found useful was when IBM put an erase key on their typewriter so I didn't have to use White-Out anymore. Then electronic typewriters and word processors were invented, but I never found either of them that helpful. Just figuring out how to use these contraptions takes up all the time I'm supposed to be "saving" using them. Most of the time I can't figure out why the hell the machine is doing what it's doing or how to make it stop! I'd prefer to spend my time retyping entire manuscript pages if I have to rather than spend the same time searching manuals for how to undo the mess the software made of my work! I know what I'm talking about, believe me, I tried.

Okay, okay, so you never took a liking to a word processor. Personally, I never took a liking to a food processor, so I can understand. I have friends who insist that you can make a perfectly fine potato latke with a food processor instead of grating potatoes by hand. But, believe me I tried too. Nothing doing.

Alt.CyberYenta.Techsupport

It's a smaller world than ever but it's no easier to understand, I can tell you that. In the old days, you took one look at a thing and you knew how it worked. Maybe you couldn't make it yourself, but you understood how it was made. Remember the ice box? The name said it all: "Ice box." A box, you put in a piece of ice. A guy came around and put the ice in and bingo! you had an ice box. It kept the food cold until the ice melted, then you got another piece of ice from the ice man. If you called the ice man and said "Ike, my food is going, I need another piece of ice," he was delighted: a customer! "I'll be right there Mrs. Goldberg!" He came, he put the ice in and finished.

You know what? You didn't even have to call. You couldn't call because Ike the ice man didn't have a cell phone on the wagon. So, he just showed up! A miracle! He actually knew to show up because he knew if you were using an ice box you were gonna need ice! That's what they now call "support." Now, can you imagine if, God forbid, Microsoft was in the business of selling ice for ice boxes? You would call up and:

FIRST TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
Hello, this is MicrosoftIce Support. My name is Ian. Are you a subscriber to Ice Support?

CYBERYENTA:
What subscriber? My ice is gone! My food is going bad!

FIRST TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
I'll be glad to help you, Ma'am. The cost is only two hundred forty-five dollars per incident.

CYBERYENTA:
Two hundred forty-five dollars for a piece of ice? That's some piece of ice!

FIRST TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
No ma'am. That's per incident.

CYBERYENTA:
Now I'm having an incident? Listen mister, you're gonna have an incident if my pot roast spoils.

FIRST TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
An incident means that if you need to call back again for this same problem, you won't get charged.

CYBERYENTA:
Why would I call back again for this problem if you fix it right to begin with?

FIRST TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
Well-

CYBERYENTA:
Listen, sonny, you sound like a nice boy, but no phone call in the world can solve my problem. Only a piece of ice can solve my problem. So, it has to cost me two hundred and forty-five dollars to get my ice, schoen, I'll pay it. Now, can you send me my ice?

FIRST TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
I'll transfer you to an ice support specialist. One moment.

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
Hello, this is Cindy. How can I help you?

CYBERYENTA:
Hello there Cindala. I got food spoiling. I need a new piece of ice.

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
I see. Can you tell me which version of MicrosoftIce you're using?

CYBERYENTA:
Which ice? Ice that's cold and wet, that's which ice.

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
I understand, but as of MicosoftIce Version 3.51 all our ice now includes the cold and wet features. Can you check on the underside of the ice and read me the serial number?

CYBERYENTA:
What underside? I told you the ice is mostly gone now. The underside went first.

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
Ma'am, I just need to be sure your ice is either MicrosoftIce or a compatible brand so that I can help troubleshoot your problem.

CYBERYENTA:
Darling, my problem is my food is going bad every minute I spend on the phone with you. All you have to do is send someone out here with a new piece of ice and my whole problem is solved!

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
I'd like to help, but we don't offer on-site support. If you'd like I can give you the names of MicrosoftIce Certified Engineers in your area. I'm sure one of them will be happy to make an on-site call.

CYBERYENTA:
So why am I paying you two hundred and forty-five dollars if you're telling me I need someone else to fix the problem?

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
Ma'am, I can try to help you, but without the serial number or some other identification of the ice, I can't promise anything.

CYBERYENTA:
Okay, okay. At least give it a try.

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
Well, what seems to be the problem?

CYBERYENTA:
Sweetheart you didn't hear the first ten times? My food is going bad.

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
And what makes you think the problem is the ice?

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
Ma'am? Are you there?

CYBERYENTA:
Yeah, yeah. If not the ice, then what?

SECOND TECH SUPPORT PERSON:
Well, according to the specifications of the ice, if it is our ice you are using, then the problem is: you aren't eating your food quickly enough.

"Every person has his own kind of lunacy" - (Old Yiddish Expression )

Excerpts From: CyberYenta's Old-Fashioned Wisdom for Newfangled Times, a new humor book by Rachel Levine www.CyberYenta.com art by Debbie Young