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Remembering our Alumni:
A Yearly Bullet-in

The recent letter from 52 Israeli reserve officers who are refusing to serve in Yesha has not gone unnoticed in militant Palestinian circles. A group of suicide squad officers have been eyeing their Israeli counterparts with unconcealed envy. Just this morning, a similar letter was stuffed into a bottle, ignited, and thrown through the window of Chairman Arafat himself. When no answer was forthcoming, the writer was stuffed in another bottle, ignited, and thrown in the same window. In this petition, signed by 52 names, they too are demanding their rights.

It is of no significance that all 52 signatures read either Anan Onymous or Maffeesh Essmoe. For all the men claim to be graduates of Gaza's prestigious Allah Ackboom Academy, the ivy/Arab league college for suicide bombers. They, too, are soldiers with a conscience. They don't want to do what they were trained for-- that is, blowing themselves up into shish kabob -- in occupied Palestine either. They, too, feel it is only fair that they have a say in the venue.

In addition, they object to the severance pay which up until now has been pledged to them in the next world. The boys feel that they should at least get a down payment on their reward in the here and now. Like, those 72 virgins, for example, who are geared to administer to their every whim in the world to come. How about getting to meet them sometime next week? They don't all have to come at once. Maybe some of them have another engagement. Thirty one would be fine. Even six would be OK. Religious leaders are trying to explain that all the shahidim receive the same 72; this is something that can only happen in heaven, but the troops are having none of it. In several senses of the word.

Meanwhile, in a parallel move, the Allah Akboom girl's wing (formerly Fatima's Finishing School) are also clamoring for a slice of heavenly pie. So far, they have rejected an offer to spend nights with 72 virginal males; however they are toying with the thought of meeting 52 IDF reserve officers. Their spokesperson, Ms. Shaid Elaine, is holding out for something more germane: "How about a walk through Nablus Market just once without getting molested-not even a catcall. That would be heaven for me!! I swear, sometimes I think they're called fundamentalists 'cause they can't keep their grubby paws off my fundament!" Asked about the role of women fundamentalism, Shaid pouted, "Everybody knows about the Islamic brotherhood; in the mosque, there's no place for the sisterhood."

* DENTAL GLOSS: UMMUK = mother

Life at Allah Ackboom is not all war and wargames. Spring is approaches and you can sometimes smell the flowers over the cordite. Prom night approaches and has all our students in a tither!

And who was the naughty boy who got into the PA printing shop and moved all the 'R's back in the word 'Arafat?' Rumor has it that Chairman Yasser laughed so hard he sliced off all the toes in the Arts Faculty and made them into a game of Shesh Besh.

Let's just hope we don't get a replay of last year's prom. Dressed in formal tie, jacket and strapped grenades, Kaled Fawsi and Darwina Abdoul got so worked up in the last dance that she pulled the wrong lever.

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NEXT MONTH, YOU SHOULD LIVE SO LONG: NEW RESEARCH INTO KORAN INDICATES THAT YOU WON'T HAVE THE USE, IN THE WORLD TO COME OF ANY ORGAN THAT HAS FALLEN INTO ISRAELI HANDS. UH-OH!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** For this one you really need to use the cursed Zionist language. For all the other ones you can practice the cursed American language. /Barry Silverberg, Kiriat 8, 8/2/2

In a n attempt to boost the image of the authority, a new ad campaign is trying to put the PAL back in Palestinian.

by Barry Silverberg, Kiryat Shemona, Israel