Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
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* * * * *
An old woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for
her Chanukah cards.
"What denominations?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" replied
the woman.
"Well, give me 30 Conservative, 21 Orthodox, and 17 Reform ones.
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* * * * *
There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had
his ear to the wall, listening. The Dr. Cohen would watch this
guy do this day after day.
The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening
to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard
nothing.
He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear
anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah doc, I know. It's been like that
for months."
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* * * * *
8. No roof damage from reindeer.
7. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones.
6. If someone messes up on their gift, there are seven more days to
correct it.
5. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races.
4. You can use your fireplace.
3. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
2. Cheer optional.
1. No Irving Berlin songs.
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* * * * *
(Note: The words "my true love" can be replaced with the Yiddish "mein
Liebhen.")
On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
PS: For the Israeli version, substitute 1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of
Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot
(grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 greps
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* * * * *
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1
bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knotfurlong
365.25 days of drinking lowcalorie beer because it's less filling: 1
lite
year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it
for a
moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 Cration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital:
1 I.V. League
And my favorite....100 Senators: Not 1 decision
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* * * * *
Sign in a Laundromat:
Sign in a London department store:
In an office:
Outside a farm:
In an office:
On a church door:
English sign in a German cafe:
Outside a second-hand shop:
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the
Prince of Wales:
Outside a photographer's studio:
Outside a disco:
Sign warning of quicksand:
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Sign on gas station:
Notice in health food shop window:
Spotted in a safari park:
Notice in a field:
Message on a leaflet:
Sign on a repair shop door:
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Sign in Egyptian hotel:
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* * * * *
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a Law School in
Italy, when an Italian lawyer approached him.
The Italian lawyer asked, "Is it true, that a person can fall down on a
sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started
speaking rapidly in Italian.
When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to move to
America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to move to America to fall down on
sidewalks."
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* * * * *
(An Israeli politician addressing his fellow
parliamentarians)
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* * * * *
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know
you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a
strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather
vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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* * * * *
@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%
Enough is Enough!!
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