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Q. What am I if I give money to Hamas?
A. A supporter of terrorism

Q. What am I if I give a gun to Hamas?
A. A partner in murder

Q. What am I if I give Hamas a base to train terrorists and supply them with the ability to import weapons?
A. The Prime Minister of Israel

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One Shabbat morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for shul, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not ?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to shul. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi.

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Morris and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. After the waiter arrives, the man says, "I'll have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak....medium rare. "

The waiter replies, "Monsieur, what about ze mad cow?"

The man replies, "She'll have a salad."

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I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something
- Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
- Sam Levenson

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Q. What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?

A. You never write, you never call, you only come to see me when you need money.

Q. What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?

A. Who catered it?

Q. What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke? A. Gefiltered

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- Don't give up! Moses was once a basket case!

- Beat the Rosh Hashana rush, come to shul this shabbat

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if u cn rd ths u cn gt a gd jb,

bt if u tlk lk ths u r a mrn.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

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Rachel, completely fed up with her husband's Internet obsession finally takes matters into her own hands.

One night as Morris is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the coat and yells, " Your Time for Super Sex!"

He ignores her.

So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex! Super Sex! Super Sex!"

Finally Morris replies..... "Ok, I'll take the soup."

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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

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"If the rich could hire someone else to die for them, the poor would make a wonderful living."

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