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The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease coming from Israel. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him").

Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Israel. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years ago in a Texas Bush.

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Little Morris' 2nd grade class was on a field trip to a local police station. At the station they saw photos of the 10 most wanted criminals. tacked to a bulletin board.

Morris pointed at a photo and asked if one of the photos was really that of a bad criminal.

"Yes" said a policeman, "He is a very dangerous person and we want to capture him very badly."

Morris looked puzzled and said, "So if he is so dangerous, why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

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Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answers the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.

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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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Three Jewish women got together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."

The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children

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Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a jew dies...

My Mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

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A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."

"What denomination?" says the clerk.

The woman says "Oy vay, my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

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Under same management for over 5763 years.

Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this Shabbat.

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

Come early for a good seat.

What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

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The teacher was very curious about how each of her students' celebrated Christmas Eve "Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class. "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick, now Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"

"Well Miss, me and my sister go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Jimmy Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"

"Well Miss, it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing "What a friend we have in Jesus". Then we go to the Bahamas."

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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.

Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die.

Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability.

Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.

It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village.

The key to someone's heart is never lost: It's just that the locks were changed 'cause you're some sort of psycho.

You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you're probably the executioner.

Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts.

You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn't going to be interested in some frog-kisser.

True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it.

One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives.

Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.

A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in the bottom.

There are none so blind as those who have been in an accident at a fertilizer factory.

You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghan-Pakistani border.

Say not that honor is the child of boldness, nor believe that the hazard of life alone can pay the price of it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You got all that? Me neither.

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly.

Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures.

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